Juicing the Job Market
A New Voyage of Plunder
Happy Monday, ladies and germs.
It’s been a minute since I gave any update on The Tortuga Society and our assorted business dealings, and there are a few reasons for this:
Over the past months I’ve been in more of an artsy-fartsy mindset, culminating last week in the release of my debut novel—a metamodern bildungsroman that offers loyal Waltheads a behind-the-scenes look at why I’m so obsessed with female agency, the origin of my philoantisemitism, an extended look at my time in Nebraska, the bizarre way in which I lost my virginity, and much more.
At this point the Tortuga Society has a pretty solid number of guys as is, and nearly all of our revenue is coming from the external staffing branch, so I haven’t felt much of a need to aggressively promote and increase the heat on us.
I’ve been trying to recalibrate our public image so it’s less of a direct extension of my own personal branding—first because the goal was never for Tortuga to be Walt’s Narc Cult, and second because it’s honestly been really annoying having to constantly think about how my actions as a public figure interface with my professional and fraternal obligations. But thankfully it seems we’ve largely achieved that at this point, largely due to the heroic efforts of my First Mate and COO Theon Ultima, who’s built Tortuga Media into a fairly sizeable platform in its own right that’s now publishing exclusive content from high-profile Tortugans such as Bliss, Noah Revoy, Rajeev Ram, Tom Swift, Dr. Monzo, Professor Axelrod, and Bingo Bobbins.
But now that my novel’s released and we’re somehow reaching the year’s midpoint—and with it the anniversary of Tortuga’s founding—the time has come for a pivot.
One reason for said pivot is a shift in my personal circumstances.
For the past few months the staffing venture has paid my bills just fine, but ever since the tariffs were announced we’ve found corpos are a lot more reticent to expand payroll than they were even in the relatively anemic environment of this past winter.
I might could make it work with a slightly lower time preference approach to my personal finances, but the situation has recently been complicated by another side of the coin—namely, that I’ve started seeing Rebecca again, and it’s drifting towards something a lot more permanent, and at the risk of sounding like a Jane Austen character my income at the present moment isn’t really enough to support a wife.
And certainly not a Jewish one.
…which is why I’ve decided to start job stacking again—primarily to accumulate enough shekels for a proper ring / wedding / honeymoon / down payment on something more spacious than my gay little condo, and secondarily to raise a bit of seed capital for some long term plans Theon and I have for Tortuga while we wait out the current malaise in the job market.
Now originally I wasn’t gonna tell you niggas any of this—mostly because I was sort of embarrassed about having to bugman again after flamboyantly burning my ships last fall, and also figured the noble thing to do was take the L privately while stoically projecting outward strength so as to remain a properly inspirational figure to my men.
But then I thought about it a little more and realized that attitude is kind of retarded, because A) since when is Walt fucking Bismarck stoic about literally anything at all; and B) this new arc actually presents a rather fantastic opportunity to mine my hardship for Content in a manner incredibly useful to Tortugans and my broader readership.
So here’s what gonna happen.
Over the next few months I’ll be publishing a weekly blog over at Tortuga Media that narrates my job search in real time.
This blog will exhaustively dissect all the usual bullshit like resume / LinkedIn optimization and interview tactics, but more importantly will detail how I assess each opportunity for red and green flags, as well as all the ways in which I’m shamelessly cheating to get ahead of the competition by deploying all the resources currently available to Tortuga Society members.
With each post I’ll include personal KPIs—applications sent / interview close rate / offer extension rate—so members can compare their own performance against Cap’n Walt’s and make me feel bad about myself if you do better than me.
Might also include some fun audiovisual content—think a mini-podcast etc.
I’m also starting a weekly interview prep workshop for Tortuga Society members where we can all focus very specifically on this crucial part of the process, which I strongly suspect is the most practically frustrating gatekeeping mechanism for your typical sperg. Details to follow in our private Telegram group.
Anyway I think you boys will enjoy the blog, so go give Tortuga Media a follow.
…and while you’re there be sure to also take a look at some of the articles by our other members, because they’re all really quite splendid. Some of my faves include:
Also take a look at the Tortuga Technical Institute and the Tortuga Book Club if you’re interested in learning more about the Society’s less overtly commercial offerings.
Want to hire me?
As mentioned above, my foremost goal at the moment is to rapidly accumulate enough shekels to wife up my crazy little JAP—specifically in a manner that projects real strength against her narcissistic surgeon father.
Job stacking should get me back to a place where I can do that in a few months…
but money’s also fungible, and I know a lot of you niggas reading this are rich, and so I figured I might as well make it known that I’m available for freelance work.
What specifically can I do for you?
Writing, obviously. I can handle just about anything, but if you’re specifically looking for something analytical or persuasive aimed at extremely online and autistic-adjacent Late Millennial and Early Zoomer men then I’m almost certainly among the best options you could go with.
Strategic consulting—both for your bidness and specifically your Substack. Last year I got an orange check just two months after starting my publication, so you can rest assured I actually know what I’m talking about. I’ll help with growth, audience segmentation, monetization, community management, you name it.
Songs. I’m pretty handy in Suno, and would be happy to fashion you a little diddy of your own. Great for anniversaries, birthdays… mayhaps Father’s Day?
If you’re interested feel free to DM me here or drop me a line at wb.vitalist@gmail.com.
Anyway gents, that’s all for now.
Be sure to check out The Con if you haven’t yet, and also be sure to give my nigga Theon Ultima a sub, as he’s been putting out some really fantastic stuff lately.
Talk to you soon.
The blow-by-blow on the job search sounds really useful.