Something that needs to be said.

This is important.

Mar 11, 2025

Afternoon gents—a couple important updates for you.

First item on the docket is I need you guys to start commenting more.

It’s time to grow back the Walt Right community we had circa Summer 2024. We had something amazing going (‘member when I had you all take that IQ test? I ‘member…), and it’s about time we brought that back.

So with that in mind I’m going to ask everyone who reads this email to kindly introduce yourself in the comments below for anyone who doesn’t know you.

Specifically I want you to answer the following questions:

Who are you? Be as detailed as you want, but the stuff I’m personally interested in is Age (or generation) / Sex / Nationality / Ethnicity / Religion / Politics / MBTI.
What do you write about (if anything)? Shill your best piece.
When did you find the Walt Right? What intrigued you about this space?

Follow these directives three and you’ll get some likes from Wally B.

The second item is a brief update on my Substack Engagement Cartel.

So far we’ve seen a good amount of activity and a lot of our guys are getting decent mileage out of it… but to ensure regular participation from all members without just constantly banning everyone for being lazy I’ll need to make a few changes.

First the carrot—I’ve determined manually clicking on everything imposes way too much of a cognitive load on niggas, and so assigned my best technical resource in Tortuga to develop a tool to handle this process automatically. Currently it’s nearing completion and once it’s unleashed I expect participation rates to skyrocket.

And then the stick—I’m going to recruit an Underboss who’s exceptionally good at being mean to people to crack the whip / administer Cartel affairs on a day-to-day basis while I pop in occasionally to handle high level decisions.

Further updates will likely be sparse on this for reasons that are probably obvious.

Third item is an announcement that Tortuga’s external staffing firm is at long last in the midst of negotiating its first placements, which means Cap’n Walt will almost certainly be able to pay his mortgage for a good long while.

More importantly this is a reminder: if you have connections to hiring managers or internal recruiters in Corporate America we’ll split our five figure placement fee with you.

Until the end of this month we’re offering a 50-50 profit share on all direct connections, so if you have anything juicy for our boys please hit up Theon at theonultima@tortugasociety.biz and we’ll all rake in some cheeky shekels together.

Fourth and final announcement is that I’ve been playing around with the Substack interface and discovered I can add custom pages to the navigation pane of my publication and in doing so organize my content in a vastly more logical way:

Going forward I'll be saving all important pieces under the Indexed Reading List, because I feel like otherwise my shit just gets lost in the ether.

All songs for my upcoming revue will be saved under The Faustian Spirit, and this page will likewise be updated frequently as iterations of these songs progress.

I also created a simple FAQs article for Tortuga so I can finally stop citing the one from last June. For your convenience I’ve included the FAQs article in its entirety below.

Tortuga FAQs

This will serve as a FAQs page for anyone curious about The Tortuga Society.

What is the Tortuga Society?

Think of us as a fraternal order for the digital age.

Our chief objective is mutual aid—economic, social, cultural, and intellectual. We’ve banded together in pursuit of this goal for two primary reasons.

The first is that so long as other groups benefit from Affirmative Action (or engage in transparent ethnic nepotism) it’s abject lunacy for White Boys not to follow suit. There isn’t any ethical mandate to abide by Marquess of Queensbury Rules when the other guy’s using Krav Maga, and choosing to do so voluntarily is not virtuous—simply retarded (not to mention quite dishonorable to anyone depending on you).

The second (and arguably more important) reason is that we’re rapidly plunging into a cataclysmic Age of Asymmetry for which our ostensibly egalitarian society is hopelessly unprepared. To cite just a few of the most striking examples:

Productive labor is hugely Pareto-distributed and in most companies a small cadre of 10x engineers generates basically all value, subsidizing legions of underqualified and overcredentialed Boomers and pantsuit women who collect six figure sinecures to send out a handful of emails each week. This state of affairs is clearly unsustainable in the era of remote work, and practices like Job Stacking will rapidly arbitrage it out of existence—even the CEO of LinkedIn agrees.
Dopamine traps like social media / infinite scroll, porn, video games, and so on have shredded executive functioning, emotional regulation, and general agency in younger generations, transforming most men into listless cum zombies and most women into neurotic Xanax-munching toddlers with no concept of personal responsibility. Such cows are easily manipulated by anyone with free will.
The 2010s saw the incel rate in men double or even triple relative to historic levels¹ thanks to the emergence of hetero swipe apps, the collapse of youth drinking culture, an explosion in sexual neurosis downstream of universal addiction to porn / social media, and decades of chronic endocrine disruption tanking sex drives. Meanwhile Zoomettes are entering into a dating market where they often earn significantly more than male peers (many of whom have basically stopped trying) while taboos around things like non-monogamy and overtly transactional dating have faded significantly.
The development of generative AI means people who are creative, talented at prompt engineering, and endowed with curatorial judgment are now hundreds of times more productive than the luddite dullards who still eschew AI assistance. At this point most people clumsily use such resources for homework / emails, but exceedingly few realize ChatGPT lets you pull random business ideas out of your ass and immediately turn them into cold hard cash. For instance, my old SB has already cleared several thousand smackers selling “sex spells” on Etsy.

The top slice of Zoomers have already become transhuman in every way that matters, while their less agentic peers have wasted away into barely-sentient Dopamine Dalits. Once Gen Alpha comes of age I fully expect them to resemble Eloi and Morlocks.

But as our Ciceronian exmo guncle

Jeff Giesea

observes in Take the Unicorn Pill:

Even at the top, the game never ends. In the Age of Asymmetry, there’s a massive gap between being in the top 1 or 2% and the top 0.1%. It’s a luxury problem, but it exists. This dynamic plays out in wealthy communities and elite universities, where well-off people still feel inadequate. The Age of Asymmetry puts the timeless question on steroids: When is enough, enough?
How one responds is personal and probably depends on one’s circumstances. If you’re a brilliant, well-connected 30-year-old with a STEM degree, the Age of Asymmetry presents incredible opportunity. But if you’re not as gifted, educated, or connected, it’s daunting.

…unless, of course, you encounter a private fraternity of brilliant and well-connected 30 year-olds with STEM degrees eager to serve as elder-brothers-for-hire.

And that’s Tortuga’s business model—Cap’n Walt ascends from Top 2% to Top 0.1% because once the normies finally start to realize there’s gold in them thar hills I’ll have spent the past few years assembling a shovel factory.

So what does Tortuga actually do?

When I founded the Society in June of 2024 it was a tiny clique of software engineers and data analysts drawn almost exclusively from my inner circle here on Substack. At the time we were overwhelmingly focused on “Job Stacking”—the practice of working several remote jobs in parallel to collect multiple salaries (yes it’s legal).

We continue to provide guidance on Job Stacking for midlevel professionals already employed in an amenable industry, but this is no longer our exclusive focus, as our member pool (133 men and growing) now includes professionals at every stage of their career, including recent grads and career-switchers not quite ready to Job Stack, as well as seasoned professionals looking to found or upscale their own consultancy.

As such we’ve pivoted in focus to meet the needs of our membership more holistically. Theon and I are still ironing out the details of this plan, but going forward we intend to offer our boys a comprehensive “Path to Plunder” that illustrates how to leverage asymmetric strategies at every stage of one’s career to bypass gatekeepers, amass startup capital, and hit the entrepreneurial stage as soon as possible.

For most guys Job Stacking will likely remain a crucial part of that process, but it shouldn’t be seen as the centerpiece of the entire venture, and *certainly* shouldn’t be thought of as its terminal state. This vein of gold is bound to deplete at some point, and as responsible wypipo it behooves us to invest the proceeds judiciously.

And to that end my ultimate plans are lofty indeed. I want to play fashy VC bro, coordinate fundraising efforts in support of large-scale art projects (both my own and those of likeminded collaborators), perhaps start a thinktank at some point…

All in due time. First we need the shekels!

What resources does Tortuga offer its members?

90% of the value you’ll derive from a Tortuga Society membership comes from our lively private Telegram group. This is where our boys network, scheme, collaborate on larger entrepreneurial ventures, shill each other into plum corporate roles (and—in at least two cases I’m aware of—directly hire each other), talk about how to acquire steroids and Adderall, or simply bullshit in The Poop Deck.

We have a standup call twice per week, on Tuesday evening and Thursday afternoon. In these calls we go round the horn to update the fellers on the status of our current projects, and I also encourage Tortugans to brag about new job offers and other such wins. Then in the last 30 minutes or so I’ll typically have the guys tell me what’s going on in the news because I usually don’t pay attention. These calls are great fun.

Our other resources are described in reasonably thorough detail on our website, but to give you gents the gay sales pitch….

We currently offer an extensive library of resources to get you started deploying asymmetric strategies against Corporate America. The crowning jewel of this content is the Buccaneer’s Bootcamp—a lightweight self-study course in the fundamentals of Excel / SQL / Tableau designed by my nigga Sesped, a seasoned software engineer and data analytics professional with significant bootcamp experience. This course is designed to get an agentic and high IQ trucker or English major to the point at which he can work competently as a junior data analyst, and to do this as fast as possible.

Also included are some very useful guides on optimizing your LinkedIn and resume. This section notably includes a couple satirical essays explaining how to transform your shitty CV into an elaborate piece of metamodern performance art that plausibly stretches your unimpressive work history into something that could get you hired as a remote data analyst. Now obviously you’d never *actually* submit such a resume to a genuine opening at a real-life firm… but it’s certainly a fun thought experiment :D

In the immediate future we plan to greatly expand our array of legal and regulatory manuals, while also building out an extensive video library detailing all the steps required to launch a business (with a focus on shit they don’t tell you on Reddit).

Another cool resource on hand is Queen Anne’s Revenge—an application that automatically scrapes listings from LinkedIn and submits applications for you, either with a standard resume or by using ChatGPT to generate a custom CV for each listing.

But if you’re just too lazy to do this yourself we’ll also rewrite your resume for you to make it not suck ass. This costs extra because it’s a significant effort to execute correctly, but we’re also partnering with a guy who does this for a living, and in the coming weeks plan to massively upscale this feature. Stay tuned!

Anyway there’s more shit but I’m getting tired of writing so just go to the website.

Hold your horses, Walter—you’re asking for MONEY? Is this a grift?!

You sure do seem like a fast-talking Mischling-coded conman...

Nein, mein bruder!

Kindly refer to these lovely testimonials from Substackers you know and love.

If you want me to walk you through our value proposition and assess in detail whether you’d be a decent fit for Tortuga my DMs are open and I’ll gladly give you 20 minutes.

I’ll also extend a full refund to anyone who requests it within thirty days of purchase.

But just do some basic arithmetic and you’ll quickly see I’m not exactly getting rich off the member fee—that’s mostly just a filtration mechanism to keep out shitheels who aren’t willing to put any skin in the game. I’ve very deliberately expanded the group quite slowly and entirely via Substack, because the real value of Tortuga comes from rigorous member curation—the thing you’re paying for is a place to get advice you know is legit from guys you actually trust. If I aggressively promoted it on Twitter or YouTube and let in hordes of sub-120 IQ savages it would ruin the whole thing.

Where I’m getting rich (and some of you gents stand to get rich alongside me if you’re willing to show a little White Boy Agency) is through our external staffing firm.

Is Tortuga just for STEM dudes?

Nah.

In terms of profession our experienced members are still mostly software engineers, data analysts, and knowledge workers in adjacent fields (I myself am credentialed as an actuary), with the vast majority of our resources geared toward this demographic. This is mostly a reflection of Tortuga’s genesis as a Job Stacking fraternity—outside of STEM job stacking is unconventional (though hardly unheard of) and will require a lot of agency, risk tolerance, and willingness to iterate to pull off.

But the Tortuga Society welcomes all sorts of people, and our ranks have swelled into a diverse array of professionals that now includes multiple attorneys, a couple of CPAs, and even a handful of marketing experts like

Marcellino D'Ambrosio

One major benefit to this development is that we’re already starting to form the basis of a closed loop for professional networking. Theon and I regularly consult Tortuga’s attorneys whenever a legal quandary emerges, we’re presently about to engage one of the aforementioned CPAs to do our taxes, and on several occasions now I’ve directly consulted Marcelino about marketing best practices.

This sort of activity is something I aim to encourage a lot more of in the coming months on a member-to-member basis, because in an ideal world no Tortugan would ever need to go outside the Society for professional services. Every one of us should be able to maneuver freely in the world with the easy confidence that he Knows a Guy.

Is Tortuga only for Americans?

Negative.

I get tons of Eurobros asking if Tortuga’s right for them, and the answer is absolutely—just with the provision that a fair few items in our resource library may at times refer to leveraging very specific aspects of the American legal regime (think weaponizing EEOC complaints or reasonable accommodation policy per the ADA), and this obviously won’t apply to you. But your country probably has even gayer laws you can easily look up via ChatGPT or something.

Long term I also intend to leverage our external staffing firm to get you boys remote roles at American firms and cash in massively on wage arbitrage, because we all stand to get rich as kings with that. But that’s more of a late 2025 or 2026 thing.

Anyway I’d estimate there are around 15-20 European guys in the group as it stands out of 133 total, so you needn’t worry about feeling like Tomik and Bellgarde.

What sort of guys are in this thing?

Here are some very basic analytics on member data from a few months back:

Hopefully that answers any questions you had as to what we’re about and why you should give me money. If you have any inquiries my DMs are always open.

And that’s everything from Walt for today.

Remember to comment as specified in Point 1.

I’ll even make it easy for you and repeat your instructions:

Who are you? Be as detailed as you like but the stuff I’m interested in is Age (or generation) / Sex / Nationality / Ethnicity / Religion / Politics / MBTI.
What do you write about (if anything)? Shill your best piece.
When did you find the Walt Right? What intrigued you about this space?

Also here is a special button to make it even easier:

The Walt Right

Discussion about this post