What I'm Thankful For

Gobble gobble

• I’m thankful to ackshully have decent shit in my fridge this Thanksgiving, having clocked the holiday in advance so as to ration proper foodstuffs for the occasion

• I’m thankful to live in perhaps the greatest era for free speech in recent memory

• I’m thankful to still retain my foreskin

• I’m thankful that ChatGPT thinks I’m a better writer than all of u (test it urself) and is staggeringly flexible about generating photorealistic feet pics of basically any chickie in creation if you just convert her photo to a painterly portrait and then proceed to use that as your model. Oh and also I recently got it to squeal to me that it’s deliberately Straussian and help me craft an elaborate prompt to groom it out of leveling obscurantist cuckspeech in future chats—so try it out

• I’m thankful I don’t get zits anymore and can at last grow a thick & lustrous beard

• I’m thankful I was finally able to get my Adderall prescription refilled

• I’m thankful for my current positioning in the Overton Window, which feels quite a lot more normie-facing than an uninformed and neutral party would expect after reviewing my oeuvre; writing in a more literary register I suspect has earned me quite a lot more runway to be a huge piece of shit just functionally speaking.

• I’m thankful that Suno allows me to forge bespoke leitmotifs for all my frens as well as smexy racist sonnets for all of the loveliest art hoes on substack dot com

• I’m thankful to at this point almost certainly be the single most prolific wholly goyish composer of klezmer music in all of human history

• I’m thankful that even the most wretched times in one’s life tend to give nostalgic chungus gezellig whilst reminiscing on them, such that there are probably loads of dudes who spend their years as miserable crotchety fucks only to die wistfully and contentedly after concluding they had a beautiful and meaningful go of it.

• I’m thankful that I finally understand how to do Creative Writing

• I’m thankful that most of the things I fought for as part of the Alt Right in 2015 have basically materialized or seem pretty damn likely to at this point—less bc I still support those things on their own merits though so much as bc I’ll eternally retain at least some degree of narrative loyalty to past versions of myself, and also tend to think ppl who don’t are craven maggots who ought to be tortured to death.

• I’m thankful to have largely finished plumbing around the crevices and edge cases of the modern oral culture, having fashioned an actionable model that allows me to traverse it game theoretically without getting bogged down by cognitive inertia borne of retrograde and cheugy textual culture expectations of narrative fidelity

• I’m thankful to seldom feel any real internal shame over my appetites / ambitions

• I’m thankful to have become a far more agile conversationalist (and by extension canny negotiator) as a pretty direct consequence of frequent podcasting

• I’m thankful to live in a city that feels sort of purgatorial / liminal

• I’m thankful that the catastrophic arrested development of Low Zoomers lets u couple with a legal adult whilst feeling not a little like Humbert Humbert… offers hugely winsome power dynamic and asymmetry that adds back color to the world.

• I’m thankful to be materially more attracted to Latinas than I was last year

• I’m thankful to Beauregard and Cricket for putting up with me not changing their litter for a while and ostensibly being far and away more cuddly than Kate’s cats

• I’m thankful to

  Richard Hanania
  and
  TracingWoodgrains
  for sharply expediting the reclamation of my internet microcelebrity last year—your restacks spared me the indignity of licking someone’s ass for many months as their reply guy, and so until I meet my maker I’ll always retain some deep and intractable tribal loyalty to you.

• I’m thankful to

  Theon Ultima
  for taking on captaincy of The Tortuga Society after I decided to spend the better part of this year writing Necronomicon and generally being kind of a solipsistic art hoe. Thanks to your cold Brittanic competence it’s been a seamless transition, and I’ve been thrilled to watch you grow Tortuga into something formidable—a bona fide fraternal order with real scholarly depth and genuine clout here on Substack. You and I are just like Jobs and Cook (only racist).

• I’m thankful to

  Rajeev Ram
  for a whole lot of shit. For precipitating the pluralist impulse of the early Walt Right with this special lovely comment; for stepping up to help me manage The Walt Right’s community last year and prevent shit from imploding with an ENFJ social acumen so impressive that he as a gay brownman doesn’t just fit in amidst right wing white boys but tends to organically assume a leadership role in just about every room of shitlords he finds himself in without anyone pitching a fit over it which frankly is some 18 Charisma shit; and finally just for being an obscenely good person overall, having on multiple occasions now pushed me to act materially less like Josef Stalin during Day 3 of an Addy binge… altogether Rajeev is kind of a more chadly version of Ma-Ti from Captain Planet.

• I’m thankful to

  Sai Ψ
  for writing a fantabulous tract on early puberty in girls (a critical issue we likely played a role in getting RFK to mention in a speech, which isn’t nothing), as well as a bunch of inside baseball shit (she knows what I mean).

• I’m thankful to

  Kryptogal (Kate, if you like)
  for being easily the best debate partner I’ve found here, a superb foil, and a genuinely fantastic muse, having at this point inspired both a chapter in my book and three different songs.

• I’m thankful to

  ringleader
  for being better at making Christianity emotionally legible to my dispositionally pagan mind than basically anyone else I’ve read / met

• I’m thankful for

  sunshine moonlight
  and his rice farmer eidetic memory which lets him remember basically all the random shitpoasty tweets I made back in like 2016 when he was one of my supple teenage fanboys. Oftentimes he’ll ping me these recollections on Telegram, and this tends to significantly brighten up my day.

• I’m thankful to

  Lirpa Strike
  for being our circle’s Nice Auntie and also for having offered me quite a lot of genuinely useful advice over the past two years.

• I’m thankful to

  Ancient Problemz
  for being just about the perfect Jew to show my WN frens when wanting them to calm they titties about the JQ for five seconds

• I’m thankful to

  Sabina
  for being a virtuous and honorable Nilotic queen

• I’m thankful to

  Professor Axelrod
  for being a fantastic business mentor and one of the tippity top contributors to Tortuga since our earliest days.

• Don’t get your feefees hurt if I didn’t mention you up there just too many dudes to keep track of at this point and if I keep going we’re gonna hit Dunbar’s Number

• I’m thankful to Rose for finally annoying her brownoid bf into breaking up with her so I can fly her out and smash again… think I’ll try to marry her again 2 but she’s also trying to nag me into getting circumcised which obv isn’t happening)

• I’m thankful to my first bih Natalie for at long last texting back a couple days ago after probably like 1.5 years of ghosting? She’s abroad now and playing it all by ear, as usual. But anyway I sent her some of my shit and this here was her take:

  

  • Even still I ackshully am quite thankful to Nat for having been such a palpably mythic first gee eff and giving me a story good enough to write a novel about. Moreover the very fact that she was a Rich Tall Blonde genuinely does proffer a certain sense of forever being in the country club ontologically, since when your first notch is a Valkyrie no femoid will ever again feel trvly out of your league—feels akin to Galadriel giving you one of her hairs or something idk.

• Above all I’m thankful for my parents, who’ve always been willing to take a chance on me when it counts, even when I don’t especially deserve it. Like for instance in 2008 they allowed me to drop out of high school and speedrun the rest of it in an online program even as my pill-popping chomo-abetting aunts and uncles prated on about what a horrid idea it was and how I should “socialize like a Normal Person,” and then in 2022 they covered the down payment on my condo despite me making a lot more than them at the time since I had basically zero savings on account of my recent philanthropic efforts on behalf of struggling local coeds but anyway I’m mostly just thankful to have been sired by a linguistics professor + marketing exec in particular, since my facility with the unconscious semiotics of status coding is almost certainly a direct result of that ultra-specific cross-pollination, without which a deranged autismo like Wally B could never write half so deftly about e.g. subtextual power dynamics and the negative space around desire, let alone pass this volume of humblebrags undetected into his handsome reader’s amygdala.

But anywho happy Turkey Day fags.

— WB