Mapping Ethnicities to Pokémon Types
Multiculturalism without the mush.
Last December I penned an article called White Nationalism is Anti-White, in which I presented a right wing and robustly pro-White vision of multiracial cohabitation that framed White people as Superman in a Justice League of distinct human subspecies.
Since then my thoughts on the matter have ripened somewhat, and I've determined that Pokémon types are a significantly better framing device for multiculturalism, as this heuristic captures both the deeply contextual (and dare I say intersectional) nature of each group’s strengths and weaknesses as well as the numerous opportunities for conflict, collaboration, and creative arbitrage that emerge from ethnic interchange.
So without further ado, the following is how I personally see American ethnic groups mapping to Pokémon types. Just note that I’m only considering Generations I and II here, because as I explained to Theon in Boston everything after that is fake and gay.
We’ll begin our analysis with the Albion’s Seed niggas—the three breeds of Angloid to remain alive and kicking after the Quaker Pluralists got subsumed by Ellis Islanders—as well as the two other racial groups in this country since its founding.
NORMAL TYPE - Puritans / Northern WASPs
This one seems pretty obvious—the Mayflower People are and always have been and always will be the primary basis against which everyone else in America is judged.
Since 1865 they’re also the only faction with a self-evident moral claim to dominion over the country (arguably shared with Blacks in a complicated way), and even bizarre crystallizations of this culture like Mormonism don’t really feel “un-American.”
This clip sums it up quite well IMO:
Now on some level it feels like an insult to call WASPs “normal,” and coming from a novelty-seeking and sleazy transhajnal like Cap’n Walt it honestly sort of is. But I’m not too proud to admit that most of my personal animus stems from simple insecurity; at the end of the day it’s entirely true that I’m just visiting, and that doesn’t feel good!
I also don’t think I’m the only one to feel this way. It would be weird to talk about it overtly given how mixed most White families are at this point, but the old coalitional tensions of the Third and Fourth Party Systems have bled into the Postwar Era in all sorts of subtle ways, and JFK and Clinton and Trump can all be seen as figures who channeled anti-Puritan resentment into commanding political movements.
But while the WASPs have declined in power, they haven’t really declined in prestige. Social climbers still know very instinctively to ape their standards and sensibilities, and even Jews tend to act somewhat insecure around Old Money WASPs.
One reason for this is that this group is just incredibly competent—probably more so than any other ethnicity on the planet. If you’re looking for someone who is educated but not a nebbish, sophisticated but not a faggot, and hardworking but not a 996 bug, you should probably start with Northern WASPs, because they’ve been the world’s single most productive ethnic group for literal centuries now.
They might not peak as high as Jews or Irish or Blacks in hyperspecialized areas, but they’re not really bad at anything either, and have a superb median performance since WASP rigidity is pretty great at habituating shitheels into a decent level of civilization.
This is reflected quite straightforwardly in the Normal Type’s average stat spread:
Their highest stat is HP—think classic Normal Type tanks like Snorlax and Blissey—which makes sense because the WASP’s greatest strength is simple resilience and grit. It’s easy to roast them (hence the low defense) for being lame and less talented at leveraging flashy asymmetric strategies (hence the low Special stats), but the upside of that tendency is knowing how to keep on truckin’ through emotional turmoil and setbacks in a way wogs like me are usually complete shit at.
WASPs are also fantastic at business and other more conventional life paths (hence their very high Attack stat), as well as remarkably versatile and adaptive (hence their decent Speed). A WASP is never truly out of place in any social ecology, because he instinctively feels like the world is his personal zoo. He can use Ice Punch one moment and Flamethrower the next, and it will never seem weird or discordant or performative so much as a sign of hidden depths and cultural sophistication.
The Northern WASP / Normal Type is also notable for having the fewest elemental vulnerabilities of any type—there’s only one other type they’re weak against.
Speaking of…
FIGHTING TYPE — Cavaliers / Southern WASPs
The Cavaliers are hard to talk about.
One reason for this is that it’s hard to distinguish non-elite Cavalier culture from the Borderer values characteristic of White Southerners more generally—so much so that an argument could be made that the latter culture has simply subsumed the former, much like the Ellis Islanders once absorbed the Quakers.
Another reason is that the Cavaliers have mostly kept their heads down ever since the Civil War. Or at least they’ve done so on the national stage—you see them everywhere at the local level, but folks outside of Dixie usually don’t have much exposure to the culture / lifestyle / sensibilities of modern Cavaliers, which means the vast majority of stereotypes about southerners (even rich ones) come predominantly from Borderers.
Hell, the only reason I myself can speak about the Cavs with any confidence is that my first gee eff Natalie was sort of the autistic e-girl version of a Belle in the classic mold. For a few years she brought me into the furthest outskirts of their strange little world and over the course of these experiences I took a lot of mental notes about her people. But had I never met her I might never have learned any of this shit.
So what is there to know? The most important thing is that Cavaliers are the only Northern European ethnic group to genuinely retain a premodern feudal honor culture— cultured southerners will talk about “family honor” in a way that would sound LARPy and bizarre in anyone else’s mouth, but somehow doesn’t in theirs. They also really like to own land, and often have a sort of Crusader Kings attitude about it.
Like European aristocrats, the Cavaliers mostly keep to themselves, inhabiting a world of private school and SEC Greek life / athletics / alumni balls and country clubs and boating trips and leisurely European vacations. In their broader sensibilities they resemble a slightly rougher version of Edwardian Britons, or perhaps a somewhat more laid back counterpart to their Normal Type brethren up on Cape Cod.
Working class Cavaliers certainly exist (particularly in older generations—think the little old man in every southern museum who Knows Everything), but most of these types will either strike it rich at some point a la Paula Deen or will actively choose to assimilate into Borderer sensibilities, because the Nathan Bedford Forrest Mindset does a vastly better job at making poverty seem glamorous and cool (or at worst a temporary state of affairs) than the Robert E. Lee Mindset, which puts a comparatively huge premium on things like hierarchy, authority, and humility.
It’s crucial to understand that this attitude is a feature and not a bug; the Cavaliers first came to America wanting to save feudalism from seventeenth century HR ladies like Oliver Cromwell, and these dudes were hardly pampered princelings. Most of them were hardened cavalry officers who’d casually horsewhip uppity Apoc types and enjoyed torturing animals for fun when they weren’t raping their indentured servants.
But come 1675 all the raping and horsewhipping had provoked a major rebellion, and by the turn of the eighteenth century Dixie’s white proles were simply too ornery and well-organized to suffer continued abuse. This ofc forced the Cavs to import a bunch of blackpeepo to rape instead, and now we get to have a race war every few decades.
But I’m being too hard on them; the Cavaliers very clearly have their merits. It goes without saying that up until the Civil War they produced a massively disproportionate share of the nation’s top diplomats, philosophers, artists, legal theorists, and especially statesmen and generals—hardly surprising given that Dixie was basically optimizing its entire society around preserving feudalism into the modern era.
They were somewhat less impressive when it came to science and industry… but I’d really love to see you try and do calculus etc. in swampass mosquito weather without any air conditioning. The actual sin of the Cavaliers was failing to cultivate human capital in their own white trash and allowing Cav proles to become kind of shitty compared to their Puritan counterparts. See, Southern elites consistently outclassed Northern elites, but during the Antebellum Era the median southerner was degraded (particularly in the newly settled Deep South, which quickly abandoned Virginian stoicism and gentility for quasi-Haitian levels of asymmetric racial exploitation) and until very recently wasn’t particularly good for much of anything except fighting.
But in fairness, the Cavaliers were rather good at fighting—at times demonically so. The Civil War never should have lasted as long as it did, but it might have lasted far longer had Grant lacked access to that limitless pile of cheap Hibernian carcasses.
That’s because the Cavaliers have been a Martial People from this nation’s inception—their elites display all the nobility and all the savagery of a medieval despot, while their proles will either have that heroic Forrest Gump energy that lets them storm a trench without hesitation OR will have cross-pollinated with Borderers and Blacks enough to murk a dude over the most trivial shit. Either way these boys are warriors!
If you don’t believe me just look at all the institutions where the Cavaliers hold sway—you see a lot of them in local government and commerce, obviously, as well as within certain niches of academia and the arts, but their most significant presence by far is within the United States Armed Forces, and especially the military industrial complex.
Ever since Sherman torched their cotton fields the armaments and private defense sectors have been the preeminent source of Cavalier affluence, and THAT is why elite Cavaliers are invariably mega-hawks who constantly prop up brown catspaws like Nikki Haley and Marco Rubio (they’re much too self-aware not to take an oblique angle given that half of these guys look and act exactly how you’d expect).
And make no mistake—all that Judeo-Christian Izzruhl shit has always been exactly that: a bunch of hollow pageantry to sway gullible Cav proles. It’s true that Cav elites are superficially a bit more religious than their Cambridge Cousins, but that’s less a matter of theological substance and more because they’re more traditional generally. As natural aristocrats the Southron gentry has always had a healthy tolerance for Jews as valuable sources of liquidity and expert council, but in social situations they usually bristle at Semitic pushiness (though unlike the bristles of, say, an Italian dude, I’ve found the Southron’s bristles seldom turn to barbs—most of the time Cavaliers are as easily manipulated by Jews as their cousins across the pond, but more on that later).
The point is that Cavaliers have ALWAYS been the biggest supporters of imperialism. Prior to 1865 their elites were invariably the chief exponents of Manifest Destiny and even crazy shit like filibustering, and this was actually one of the main causes of the Civil War, because it really pissed off the Yankees (who outside of a small faction of Masshole religious fanatics generally wanted America to be a White ethnostate—to such an extent they included a No Niggers Clause in the first Oregon constitution). Meanwhile the Scotch-Irish Borderers who drove the Injun from our Appalachian frontier—President Jackson’s base and now Trump’s—took a more mercurial stance, supporting land grabs and hemispheric dominance but generally resisting lofty invasion plans that might get their son killed to expand Boss Hogg’s latifundium.
Hence the proliferation of Low Church Protestant Poop Zionism, which for centuries served primarily as a way to keep the Cav proles and more pliable Borderers in line whenever cynical race baiting proved insufficient. But it was always inevitable that secularism—and really just the flattening of life associated with modernity and our gradual approach of post-scarcity more generally—would eventually loosen the gentry’s control over white trash types, who these days have overwhelmingly embraced the Jacksonian sensibilities of their Borderer cousins and repudiated neocon Lockheed Latifundia even in the homeland of John C. Calhoun.
And the thing is even from a self-interested Cavalier perspective that’s clearly for the best, because the Calhoun Mindset really degraded the Jefferson / Lee Mindset, whose fundamental nobility made it far less scalable than cynical quasi-Haitian Calhounism and destined to get outcompeted until the Forrest Mindset emerged to reset the paradigm and pave the way for a Dixie that could productively integrate Cavalier and Borderer values and anyway back to Pokémon…
Here’s the Fighting Type’s average stat spread:
This seems right to me. Attack is insanely high, which tracks rather perfectly with the fact that Lee / Jackson / Forrest were some of their century’s finest offensive tacticians. Special Attack being the weak point also makes sense given that Cavs are by far the most “British” of any American ethnicity, and often have a certain rigidity to them.
But don’t get it twisted—I’m not saying southerners are uncreative or fundamentally averse to novelty or untalented at deploying sleazy asymmetric strategies, because they’re actually quite great at all of those things. But I’d definitely argue that this talent comes specifically from cultural cross-pollination with Borderers and maybe also Blackpeepo—the few remaining single-type Cavs in the lower orders are invariably aspirationally retarded Forrest Gump types with an abysmally low Special Attack.
Anyway in terms of type matchups they’re strong against Normal, which makes sense given that A) in the Civil War they usually managed to body the Yanks man-for-man; B) during the Revolutionary and Antebellum eras they generally outmaneuvered the Puritans politically while maintaining an influence hugely disproportionate to their relative White population (at least until Lincoln’s election forced the issue via the electoral college); C) these days Southern culture is spreading like wildfire among Yankee rightoids, to such an extent that tons of dudes whose ancestors fought exclusively for the Union now spout Lost Cause mythology.
They’re also strong against some other types and weak against Psychic and Flying, but more on those later. For now we need to round out our Angloid analysis with…
ELECTRIC TYPE — Borderers / Scotch-Irish
There’s been a lot of talk about Borderers lately thanks to Vance and his hillbilly book.
This has really annoyed me, because I myself am part-Borderer through my mom and actually identify with lots of aspects of Scotch-Irish culture. But I also feel like folks are spinning the overarching narrative of my people in an extremely gay way.
Because Borderers are NOT oppressed downtrodden victims of NAFTA or whatever tf people are bitching about these days. Hell, most Borderers aren’t even especially poor!
I mean have any of these class warriors who idolize Vance even read Hillbilly Elegy? This is NOT a book about poor people! It's a book about middle class people who are clearly very smart and creative and energetic but are repeatedly crippled by atrocious executive functioning and insane levels of aggression and impulsiveness seldom observed outside the Dark Continent. I mean Christ—Vance literally says at one point that his folks had a six figure income. His mom was hot and vivacious enough to secure a provider whenever she needed to, and at least one of her brothers was a fairly successful businessman. These people were NOT pathetic helpless victims of avaricious neoliberal politicians. They were a bunch of lazy slutty drug addicts who preferred to live in squalor.
The Scotch-Irish are NOT bad at making money. When properly motivated Borderers are some of the most hustling and entrepreneurial people around, and genuinely quite masterful at working angles and exploiting asymmetries—kind of like Jews but with a much shorter time horizon. There are TONS of high IQ Borderers who live below the poverty line because instead of studying or working they choose to dedicate their genius to e.g. faking blood tests or cleverly scamming the welfare system.
The real problem with Borderers is they don’t save and tend to assume good times will last forever. That or they’ll get an expensive addiction to pills or hookers or gambling or all of those things at once. Or they’ll get into an unstable codependent relationship that shreds their ability to deal with shit like an adult via prohibitive cognitive load. Or they’ll impulsively decide to nuke their career or business prospects over a trivial matter of personal honor that literally anyone else would just ignore.
At least I have the verbal IQ to spin my humiliations into cool stories that seem kind of glamorous in the right lighting… most of my close family members aren’t so lucky. Like Vance’s people they’re *just* capable enough to maintain a certain degree of decently comfortable squalor while constantly asking each other for money and having random mental breakdowns and letting their kids get molested and it’s just really gross and embarrassing and tragic. My cousin for instance had a full ride to Brown but then got knocked up by a dude probably 20 IQ points below her at age seventeen—exactly like her own mom did—and that was her life over and done with.
Almost everyone in my family has some kind of story like that—Shakespearean swings in fortune and drugs and molestation and spousal abuse and mental breakdowns and repeatedly gaining and losing 100 lbs… all the sort of shit you see in Hillbilly Elegy and that most Normal Types would instinctively just dismiss—perhaps quite rightly—as simple “bad decisions.” And right now I can pretend I’m better than those people because of my internet microcelebrity and business, but we’ll see how long that lasts, because the delta in life outcomes between me and my kinfolk has always been driven more by IQ than effort (let alone any sort of genuine virtue), and I could easily end up a loser myself in a year or two if I don’t watch that impulsiveness and self-indulgence.
I suspect that Vance spent a long time with a similar feeling in the back of his mind. But at this point it’s no doubt an afterthought to him—he’s an entirely different man now thanks to the military forcing him into basic competence with linear life strats via habituation, and he also benefits from a wife produced by a millennia-long eugenics program from one of the world’s most ancient cultures. Her caste intuitively understands how to maintain a healthy relationship with asymmetry in a way his own tribe of pirates and cattle rustlers and desperados never can. Just speaking for myself, this is the main reason I derive such value from my connection with
and , and is also probably why I’m so consistently drawn to Jewish women.Anyway the point is Vance himself will be fine no matter what. The real tragedy of his situation is that he completely betrayed the message of his book and in doing so massively failed the Scotch-Irish people. He touched on something very real and incredibly important about societal factors that systemically undergird a consistent pattern of personal failing and shitheel niggerish unagentic behavior… and then completely dropped the ball so he could go get rich and then cynically indulge his tribe’s worst impulses the moment Cheeto Benito shows up to serve them comforting platitudes like the Demon Rats do with Black peepo.
Look—there’s a LOT to value about Scotch-Irish sensibilities, but there’s also a lot about us that’s horrible, and like Blacks we really ought to come to terms with that. Borderer honor culture (which is tribal, contra the feudal honor culture of Cavaliers) makes us meaningfully less gay than other wypipo… but with that tendency comes a niggerish impulse to pointlessly burn resources and energy on situations / people that clearly don’t deserve the effort. Meanwhile our tricksterish resourcefulness can be a huge asset… but it can also lead us down a road that ends up really embarrassing and undignified once we start trying to exponentiate fractions. Some balance is needed. And a little bit of accountability is simply non-negotiable.
Anyway let’s look at that stat spread:
Insanely high Special Attack, great Speed, okay Attack, pretty shitty everything else... Yeah that’s spot-on. We’re agile and adaptive and fantastic at producing fake pee and ingenious metapolitical takes, but not exactly resilient and virtually never consistent.
Borderers aren’t always as fragile as they look, though—their Special Defense is decent and they crucially only have one weakness (to Ground Type, which is also immune to their attacks), which actually makes them tied with Normal for the least weaknesses of any type. That tracks quite well with IRL IMO, because people often find it hard to land clean punches on a Borderer—remember how short-lived Walz’s “weird” shtick was? That angle ended up doing infinitely less damage to Vance than his own self-indulgent pandering to the DR about “childless cat ladies.”
Against an unreliable glass cannon, the best tack is usually just to let him self-destruct.
But anyway in terms of elemental strengths Electric Type very famously has an advantage against Water Type, and also against…
FLYING TYPE — Native Americans
So this matchup makes a ton of sense in the very specific context of the last matchup, because the Borderers were originally brought to this continent with the specific goal of ethnically cleansing the Appalachian backcountry of Native Americans.
You see, the more civilized type of Angloid wasn’t really up to that task—he lacked the requisite stress tolerance for enduring a constant state of low-level guerrilla warfare, in which every morning carries with it a 0.4% chance of waking up for a few seconds to notice a tomahawk lodged in your noggin and also your wife and daughters being abducted so they can either be impregnated or gang-raped and tortured to death depending on the enemy tribe’s sensibilities and current demographic needs.
But my people *could* handle that, as they’d already been living that way for centuries. They existed in a state of unsettled limbo—between the English and Scottish Crowns (prior to unification the functional border was fluid), over whether they themselves were Englishmen or Scots or I guess Irish now that Cromwell sent us here to turn the country Prot, between perpetually quarreling yet geopolitically loaded religious sects, between their own community’s narcissistic tribal Big Men…
Altogether they lived under quasi-African levels of social instability, but also happened to have an average IQ close to 100, which made them brutally effective cattle rustlers and highwaymen and pirates and agents of genocide.
My people were sort of like the Krogan in Mass Effect—first brought here to get rid of the Red Indian Rachni and immensely useful to that end initially, but ultimately kind of an annoying and trashy nuisance once the Injuns were all corralled in Oklahoma. Thankfully the WASPs never got around to genociding us in quite the same way (some count opiates / fent as such but I see them more as a eugenic Mario Kart rubberband), and after the Cavs wasted their shot in 1860 we basically usurped their position.
But there I go being a giant narc and making the Native section all about Borderers!
To be honest though I just find the Natives boring. They were a worthy adversary for sure, but we also beat them fairly and gave them an entirely square deal by any reasonable standard, so at this point I don’t find them very compelling as a topic.
Probably the most interesting thing about them is the fact that the tribes we were interfacing with during colonial times were sort of post-apocalyptic, having dealt with cataclysmic population decline for literal decades before the White man set foot on these shores. See, the settlement of America’s eastern seaboard was so easy because the region was already mostly cleared—only by folks who’d died ages prior to English settlement thanks to diseases contracted over a distance from the filthy Spaniards.
But even prior to the Spanish arrival the Indians had royally screwed themselves by despoiling their land of resources—recall that’s what brought down Cahokia and the broader Mississippian culture during the years wypipo were still off fighting Saladin. If not for that fuckup the Red Indian civilization surely would have at least reached Aztec or Incan heights. Hell, it’s not hard to imagine the Cahokians leveraging their river system to create something approximating Egypt or Babylon in sophistication!
But at the end of the day it seems the Red Man is even more impulsive than the Scotch-Irish, and the Indians chose to remain basically neolithic. This endowed the survivors with a significant leg-up in terms of guerrilla warfare, and also enabled the Comanche and other such tribes to eke out a fairly dignified life on horseback sort of acting like Dothraki until railroads and the gatling gun outmoded even that approach. But it also meant we saw them as Noble Savages—dignified enough to miscegenate with, to educate, to attempt to civilize into our own way of life, to stick on the Rez instead of exterminating or ignoring them, but clearly not the heirs to an impressive civilization of their own, let alone one remotely contiguous with the American polity.
Cahokia wasn’t anything like Tenochtitlan by the time our people got here, and that’s why Native Americans will never be taken remotely seriously in this country. Instead they’re eternally bound to a fate of being callously instrumentalized by Puritan viragoes as a vector for fake and gay virtue signaling.
Anyway I see Indians as Flying Type mostly because of their highly itinerant nature. Like birds they often formed nests, but they also could build an entirely new nest somewhere else if necessary, and that flexibility was a crucial part of their way of life—to such an extent that lots of restless and rootless White people will sometimes identify with Natives for this reason alone.
Yet that impulse is deeply retarded. Amerindian societies were far more collectivist and traditional and rooted in a relational sense than contemporary White societies—particularly Anglo-Saxon settler cultures, which might have been the very first civilizations in history where “being an individual” was actually a tenable life path.
The Red Indians just moved around a lot—either because they were too primitive to adopt agriculture in a sustainable and scalable way, or because they very genuinely preferred the significantly lower labor expenditure of a semi-settled neolithic lifestyle (let alone an entirely migratory paleolithic existence).
And I know it sounds like I’m judging them for that, but I’m really not… to my mind it’s an open question which is better. Personally I’d rather be a hunter-gatherer than an agricultural / industrial nigga prior to the technological level of 2004 at the earliest, but different strokes and all that. The thing is you don’t make that decision in a vacuum, because the moment you let the farmers cook long enough to adapt to the caveman’s asymmetric tactics it’s all ogre. Hunter-gatherers can never outlast the Evil Empire.
Anyway onto the stat spread:
Seems right to me. Native Americans / Flying Types are the ultimate glass cannons—highly nimble and adaptable and absolutely brutal when they’re fighting someone tied to the land, but easily toasted and roasted by crazy rednecks or Pikachu.
Anyway this is getting depressing so let’s move on to something a bit more fun.
DRAGON TYPE — Black People
It seems obvious to me that Black people (and specifically Bantus—obviously Nilotic types e.g. Obama and my lovely fren
are contiguous to MENA peoples) are meaningfully distinct from other races in some immensely significant way.In the past I’ve tried to be provocative by saying “Black people are a different species,” but ultimately abandoned that line after a bit of A-B testing indicated that the juice isn’t rly worth the squeeze. But that just means I won’t write anything with that title—I actually continue to believe there’s a very real sense in which that statement is true.
And not in some Chud Racist way that tries to say that Blacks are closer to monkeys or some trashy shit like that—I’m talking about a way in which Black Nationalists would likely appreciate more than literally any other group, because when you read between the lines there’s actually tremendous dignity in this position.
You see, technically Bantus are the only group of people that’s entirely human—the rest of us are partly admixed with Neanderthals, and that clearly has impacted our character.
On average we’re clearly lot more neurotic than Black people, and generally can’t enjoy things in as pure and unfettered a manner. We’re also a lot less embodied and in touch with our feelings, which is probably why everyone (but especially wypipo) really loves to mediate their emotions through Black people. Today we do this via reaction gifs and Black People Twitter and semi-ironic ebonic use and listening to Hip Hop, but the general impulse extends back through literal centuries of minstrelsy traditions.
It’s not a new thing and not a result of Jew agitprop or whatever WNs are thinking.
I really think this boils down to a deep and essential difference in cognitive architecture. Bantus experience their emotions in a far more direct way that’s less corrupted by higher order reverberations. They’re significantly less “meta” and recursive in their thinking, which means you don’t get those endless Ashkenazi semantics games or that odious Angloid love affair with plausibly deniable status signaling and posturing. Instead Black people will just openly boast or very directly try to intimidate you.
And the really fascinating thing is that as their IQ increases they don’t simply obfuscate their maneuverings like other races will; instead they’ll maintain a direct and unmediated approach, but will do so in increasingly layered and interesting ways. When I listen to Glenn Loury or Kanye—both men I respect intellectually—I notice that they actually communicate in a qualitatively distinct manner from intellectually comparable non-Bantus, instinctively allocating less brainpower to recursion and subtextual social performance and more to an earnest exploration of their thoughts.
Now obviously that’s partly enabled by the greater social latitude Blacks enjoy—duh. But I also think it’s clear that there are loads of situations in which Black elites would benefit immensely from masking more than they currently do, yet very actively choose not to do so because masking in these situations would be deeply unpleasant for them and impose a prohibitively high cognitive load. And maybe you can attribute that to “socialization” or some gay shit like that, but nah man it’s obviously genetic.
It’s fantastically retarded to believe that human biodiversity only exists for things like IQ and concrete tendencies like “aggression” when higher order traits / capabilities are obviously just as heritable and every bit as unevenly distributed. We all know that Black people have significantly better rhythm and are a lot funnier on average—they’re vastly better at roasting people for being weird or different, and are immensely talented at making perspicacious little observations about the world. But they’re also quite awful at e.g. reducing an LSAT passage into a tidy syllogism, because that sort of thing involves higher-order reasoning and recursive analysis, i.e. gay wypipo shit.
Because of their unique cognitive architecture Black Peepo fill a very crucial niche in White civilization—we outsource our right hemispheric / niggerish / Scotch-Irish tendencies to them, living vicariously through their primitive and childlike behavior in a way that sort of positions Black culture as a vital cognitive release valve.
Blackness enables White people to be significantly more civilized—and also vastly more decadent—than we’d be otherwise because it creates complex levels of irony and performative innocence through which we can sanitize our most grisly impulses. When a black dude raps about raping a bitch or murdering his enemies it just feels kind of ooga booga and juvenile, but if I wrote an earnest showtune about the same topics it would code as Ted Bundy and people would likely try to have me committed.
But I actually could write a rap song about the same topics without provoking real ire, because it turns out the Black Man’s childlike and earnest (yet somehow non-cringe) nature is a hugely powerful discursive tool wypipo can play with to tremendous effect.
Look—Blacks will talk about Black Girl Magic and call each other Kings and Queens and there’s obviously something very silly and narcissistic about all that… but there’s also something entirely real there. And I know this sounds insane, but hear me out.
Blacks *really do* have a certain magic to them, because of their untrammeled humanity.
They don’t have that horrible Curse of Neander that weighs down unmelanated souls.
Now obviously that doesn’t obviate the Black capacity for evil—gangbangers clearly exist, as do monsters like Robert Mugabe and Winnie Mandela. But distributionally speaking I very genuinely don’t believe that Blacks are as capable of that deep and layered sadism you see in troubled White boys—the kind I immediately recognize in the eyes of a Ted Bundy or WBE and constantly observe in my own cognition.
Most of the time Black sadism is just so impish and petty—shooting a rando passerby, “ayo imma rape dis bitch,” that kind of shit. Sure it’s terribly evil, but it also exists in the context of dehumanization and dissociation and the constant low-level war of the jungle or ghetto. Most of the time Blacks don’t really seem capable of that higher order and Satanic sort of evil seasoned by elaborate personalized humiliation rituals and so on, and I’d hazard this is why we Whites have always felt so protective of them.
We treat George Floyd like Jesus because he’s essentially a big retarded toddler, his wrongdoing no more heinous than a 3yo smearing shit on the walls of his bathroom. When people insist that the terrifying 17yo athlete with the physical maturity of a white 23yo dindu nuffin a huge part of us wants to show him clemency because we intuitively know his impulse control is that of a white 13yo. A century ago we could speak about such things openly, but sadly colorblind nonsense confuses the issue.
It’s not just a patronizing paternalism though, and we don’t just straightforwardly look down on Black peepo; there are loads of contexts where we honestly admire their athleticism and swagger and rizz. But even that is far deeper than mere insecurity or escapism; there’s something about Blacks that feels real and ancient and unique—it’s something that’s admired across the globe, even in places Blacks have never been.
We also see them as dangerous and unstable and the ultimate Other; the ever-present Friend-Enemy Distinction is clearly more of a Thing with them than anyone else. But this hostility is inescapably conjoined to respect and fondness and loyalty. It feels so very splendid when a Black agrees with you or laughs at your joke. Also even the most vicious racists on the planet get a huge blast of dopamine watching videos of Black dudes pretending to listen to Skynyrd for the first time, while "nigger" is the only word in the English language that retains genuine power as a CURSE word.
Black people very clearly are just sort of magical—partially as a historical accident, and partially because of genuinely meaningful genetic differences. But the particular split doesn’t really matter, because it couldn’t be more obvious that they’re our Dragons.
So here are the average stats of Dragon Type:
Obviously this is way too high for Blacks overall—the number is inflated because a huge proportion of Dragon Types are pseudo-legendaries. But I tend to think of this in terms of Blacks being more of an r-selected “Big Man” / celebrity culture where it’s just kind of normal for ghetto types to die in the street without anyone caring while NBA players can fly bitches out to them as a matter of course. Distributionally speaking it seems Blacks are significantly more top-heavy than even Cavaliers.
But relatively speaking the stats check out: Attack and Special Attack should both be high, because capable Blacks are actually quite good in both the practical realms of life and when it comes to asymmetric hustle strategies. Meanwhile the low Speed seems like an issue at first because Blacks are obviously the *physically* fastest race, but I personally view Speed as more about a people’s ability to be intellectually nimble and capable of switching between contexts and resolutions as necessary, and while Blacks make a huge deal about their ability to “code switch” between dialects (missing the fact that literally everyone does this) I usually find that their ineptitude at meta and recursive thinking renders them fairly unimpressive in this domain. Blacks are amazing hustlers and con men because of their Special Attack—not their Speed.
Anyway regarding type matchups, being weak to other Dragon Types obviously tracks with Black-on-Black crime, rampant colorism, the fact that ADOS descend from people taken captive by other Africans in internecine war / tribal raids, etc. etc....
Blacks are clearly their own worst enemy—so much so that it feels gauche to mention.
Next we’ll assess the Ellis Islanders, which is where the Pokédex heuristic begins to get a bit complicated. But stay with me and you’ll see the wisdom in my framing.
That said I will start to get a bit less thorough with some of these because the article is already way too long as is.
Anyway let’s kick this off with a fun one…
PSYCHIC TYPE — The Jews
Do I even need to explain this? I guess I have to for the Boomers and dumb dumbs in my audience who aren't racist.
Psychic Types are all about mental control and disorienting the enemy, which… yeah.
They also tend to be associated with high intelligence more generally, which tracks quite well with Ashkenazim sporting by far the highest mean IQ of any ethnic group (I’ve seen a few people guesstimate Brahmins as higher, but that generally seems made up to me unless we’re restricting the domain very specifically to H-1Bs).
The most interesting point of comparison though is that much like American Jews, Psychic Types used to be insanely overpowered thanks to a bunch of glitches and shitty design choices in the first generation of games. This made people really hate Psychics, because Alakazam lacked even a single hard counter and was just straightforwardly better than any other Pokémon (excepting Mewtwo… who was also Psychic Type and basically just super-Alakazam). In many cases he could sweep entire teams because of his insane Special stat (at the time Special Attack and Special Defense were just one stat) and extremely high Speed value, which in practice totally offset his poor defenses.
This is eerily similar to the status Jews enjoyed in twentieth century America thanks to A) ethnic nepotism in the media and high finance; and B) the Holocaust Card.
These forces gave the Chosen tremendous power as an ethnic cartel, and at times they deployed this power very cynically to get away with some grotesquely obnoxious shit. But it also got “patched out” over time—first via dilution by way of Shiksappeal miscegenation, then through the horrific overreach of Dubya-era neoconservatism, and finally through the inability of Jews to continue framing themselves as “minorities” in a browning America that increasingly views Israelis as settler colonialists and sees Jews as very White whether they like it or not.
These days they’re just another type of Pokémon—one that happens to align perfectly with my own aesthetic and mechanical preferences (I love me some glass cannons), but which also has plenty of hard counters and if anything feels a bit precious and overly specialized these days… clearly a far cry from the behemoth of yesteryear.
And in terms of stat breakdown we see exactly what you’d expect:
With that absolutely demonic Special Attack the Jew / Psychic Type is what we call a Special Sweeper—he relies primarily on his ability to immediately knock you on your ass with clever asymmetric tactics you’re too much of a Dumb Goy to see coming, and if that fails he’ll attempt to confuse you by deploying sophisticated frame games or lexical manipulation techniques or the move “Confusion.”
But if neither tack works and you have some resilience the Jew / Psychic Type is fairly easily shut down—especially when facing off against his elemental weaknesses, like…
GHOST TYPE — Irish
I decided to make Irish-Americans my Ghost Type for several reasons.
The first reason is that like Ghost Types the Irish are widely known for their mischief and corruption and general prankishness—think Tammany Hall, IRA terrorism, etc.
They’re also just insanely funny—in my opinion the funniest ethnic group by far, standing two clicks above Blacks and Jews and leagues above literally everyone else. Now I’m admittedly very biased, being part-Irish myself, but I’d also contend that the particular style of Irish-American humor is distinctively Gengarish in character; simply listen to the stylings of Carlin or Dillon or Mullen or even John Mulaney after he got in trouble for doing drugs and cheating on his wife and tell me you disagree.
I also think there’s something quite Ghostly about how the Irish basically hijacked the identity of a ton of Anglo-Americans, who often call themselves “Irish” because their name contains an apostrophe or something despite being like 75% WASP genetically. The Irish seized control over massive parts of WASP America—some might say came to possess it, like some kind of ethnic poltergeist—by being hugely culturally infectious.
Conjoined to his insanely high birthrate and mercurial code of honor, the Irishman’s charm enabled him to punch massively above his weight in domestic politics while also playing a sizeable role in securing the independence of his homeland—just one of many respects in which Irish-Americans strongly mirror Ashkenazim.
Another such respect is their penchant for emotionally manipulative violin music that tickles your amygdala by oscillating rapidly between happy and sad vibes while giving the performer ample room for narcissistic little flourishes—just listen to some Klezmer and Celtic Folk back-to-back and you’ll hear the similarity immediately.
Still another parallel is their obsession with martyrdom, which stands as yet another reason the Irish map well to Ghost Types—these micks constantly talk about dying! Dying in the Potato Famine, dying in the Civil War, dying during the Troubles, dying as part of some railroad gang… you name it and the Irish died doing it.
Anyway, in terms of average stats Ghost Type is basically just a weaker Psychic Type:
…and that honestly makes sense, because I think we’ve established that the Irish are kind of just what Jews would act like with a median IQ closer to the White average.
The thing is that the Irish are also very talented specifically at bullying Jews, which happily tracks with the Ghost Type’s advantage over Psychic Type.
But why is this?
The simple answer is that the Jewish style of manipulation is all about cleverly using someone’s own rules against them—a tactic that works brutally well against overly honorable sorts like the Cavaliers / Fighting Types and tbh Anglos more broadly.
But it doesn’t work on the Irish because the paddy doesn’t really have any use for rules to begin with, and in most situations will arbitrarily follow his passions. This makes the Irish slightly less efficient than Jews at chiseling cracks in the WASP power structure, but also a hell of a lot less obnoxious about it—notice how the Kennedys and Tip O’Neil were always a lot more chill than AIPAC in their foreign lobbying efforts despite being just as effective and vastly more sustainable over the long term.
Ultimately the Irish are every bit as manipulative as The Jews; they just seize power using very different tactics. Instead of Talmudic sophistry and loophole abuse and lawyerly lies of omission that come together to make you feel like you’re being blackmailed or railroaded into some Nuremberg Kangaroo Court, the micks will usually rely on the classic Tall Tale—think telling the story as it should have happened while creating compelling Myth by theatrically exaggerating or downplaying certain elements of the narrative to speak more powerfully to universal archetypal truths.
Politicians like JFK and Clinton and Reagan were nothing short of virtuosos at this sort of rhetoric, which let them run circles around their stolid WASP adversaries without ever looking like the bad guy—something Jews are honestly quite shit at. Whenever the Chosen People pull out their big guns rhetorically they’ll typically need absolute moral authority for it to land. Either that or it really needs to be behind closed doors, otherwise it will usually just make everyone hate them.
Because Shakespeare got it brutally right with The Merchant of Venice—most people really fucking hate feeling Jewed, and will punish a deceptive truth-teller FAR more aggressively than they will an honest liar. In decades past the Holocaust Card offered ample cover against this impulse, but times are changing and The Jews aren’t Gen I Alakazam anymore. Ashkenazi power relies primarily on manipulating rigid Anglo legal structures through the written word, but in a cynically propagandistic oral culture they’re just gonna get bodied by less nebbishy Ellis Islanders.
Which brings me to…
DARK TYPE — Italians
This one was also obvious—in part because of the whole Mafia angle, but also because (at least in the context of American culture) dagos are spiritually connected to micks and yids in a way that feels deeply important.
Intuitively I tend to see these groups as a sort of Transhajnal Trio—the corrupt cop, the shysty lawyer, and the waste management consultant, all working together in perfect greasy harmony to keep the wheels spinning and money flowing while the boys in Flyover Country watch Huskers football or whatever.
We cover each other’s blind spots phenomenally well and easily fall into symbiotic friendships, while also being *just* different enough to feel vaguely hot and exotic to each other without being different enough to smell weird or come off as annoying or too alien or prohibitively threatening when the dude’s trying to fuck your sister—speaking as someone who’s himself part Italian / part Irish and mostly dates Jewesses, I can attest to the volcanic sexual compatibility of any combination of these three.
We also all have verses in No Cats in America, and that probably counts for something.
But among these three factions it’s obviously the Italians who are on top overall.
Sure the hebes have more money and influence pound for pound... but deep down basically all of them worship Italians for being the answer to "what if Jews were cool," and rely on them heavily as a cultural intermediary and behavioral / physiognomic stepping stone with Goyish America. The cultural clout of Italian-Americans both facilitates assimilation for Jews who want it by offering a tenable model for Whiteness and renders assimilation significantly less necessary for Jews who don't by expanding the Anglo Overton Window in regards to hooked noses and transactionality.
Yeah the Irish have far more in the way of numbers and Flyover Country penetration... but like The Jews the micks have become rather pathetic victims of their own success. What does it even mean to be Irish when everyone and their mom identifies as such? Was it even worth it sending guns and money to the IRA when these days Dubliners are a bunch of pretentious eurofags in turtlenecks? I mean fuck, the Israelis probably undervalue the American Jew Diaspora relative to their overall contribution, but at least they give them Birthright trips. We just get called Plastic Paddy by tech bros.
But being Italian-American still means something, which is why wops mostly dgaf that their cousins in the Old Country generally couldn’t give less of a shit about them. Italian-Americans have built their own thing that’s arguably just as cool if not far cooler than anything the boot has to offer. Literally everyone adores Tony Soprano and Don Corleone and Frank Sinatra and the Fonz and Rocky Balboa.
If you're still skeptical then riddle me this: Could Dr. Fauci have gotten away with all that bullshit if he were Dr. Feldstein? Would Luigi Mangione be a sex symbol if he were Liam O'Malley? Let's not kid ourselves.
The Italians are clearly on top of the Transhajnal Trio, and it makes perfect sense for them to enjoy an elemental advantage against both Ghosts / Irish and Psychics / Jews.
The weakness to Fighting / Cavaliers is admittedly somewhat harder to justify… but haven’t you guys seen My Cousin Vinny? The guinea’s streetwise swagger is fantastic for calling a shifty Jew’s bluff, but it won’t do much against a prim and proper Anglo. The three groups actually form a very elegant rock-paper-scissors dynamic.
Also the average stat mix for Dark Types fits rather perfectly:
Italians are gr8 businessmen who excel at cutthroat tactics—hence the high Attack—but beyond that are basically just well-rounded jacks of all trades, much like their Imperial counterparts in the Elder Scrolls games.
Anyway now that we’ve covered all the coastal types let’s hit the Heartland:
GROUND TYPE — Germans
So I’m actually a quarter German, which is weird because I don’t act like it in the slightest and don’t feel even remotely connected to the Teutonic part of my heritage.
The situation’s quite ironic though, because my 100% German grandpa was insanely similar to me temperamentally, sharing basically all of the same degeneracies and benefiting from virtually identical talents, while my 100% Irish grandpa was kind of a boring straight-laced stick in the mud by comparison.
And I imagine lots of people would eagerly take from this observation the broader lesson that my hyper-specific ethnic essentialism is LARPy schizophrenic horseshit.
But those people have Down Syndrome.
Because my Grandpa Ryan was only like that because his own father was a raging alcoholic with multiple BPD side hoes. The poor dude probably had a 125 IQ, but never finished high school because he was in the factory at like thirteen to help support his eternally pregnant mom and eventually my dago grandma.
Circumstance and childhood trauma forced him into sobriety / linear life strategies, but by his basic nature the man very clearly owned the poetic soul of a Celt.
Meanwhile it seems my Grandpa Graf was a degenerate gambler and womanizer and immensely talented grifter mostly because his own father was just way too German. Apparently the guy was some kind of university professor when he first came over from Freiburg to I want to say Chicago? I don’t know the specifics because we lost touch with that side of the family… what matters is the dude was immediately fired because he slapped the shit out of one of his American students for “poor discipline.”
Then he sent my grandpa to work on a farm so he’d learn how to live in a stern and soberminded way, to which gramps responded with the somewhat obvious tactic of Running Away. In the years that followed he was as wild as they come—except when losing his temper with his children, at which point you’d always see Hitler in his eyes.
Because it turns out that you can take the discipline out of a German rather easily—what you cannot do is take the German out of discipline.
And that’s why Ground type works great for the Germans, because what are krauts if not well-grounded? Since time immemorial the Teutonic people have been all about gravity and sobriety and duty and seriousness. After the Civil War they rapidly peopled the Midwest under the Homestead Act, forming entire villages of German-speaking farmers until the World Wars eventually left them with no choice but to abandon their heritage and assimilate into Anglo society.
But once they reached that bridge they crossed it without hesitation, and thousands of Müllers became Millers overnight—because it was their Duty.
You see all the same traits in the average stat breakdown of Ground Types:
Fantastic Attack and Defense, atrocious Speed and Specials… all so deeply German! The krauts approach linear life strategies with astonishing rigor and precision, having distinguished themselves on numerous occasions over the centuries as the world’s premier scientists and engineers and perhaps its second or third finest businessmen. But when it comes to asymmetric life strategies and cultural adaptability they’re vastly less impressive—at least when compared to their more mercurial cousins across the North Sea and especially the Atlantic Ocean.
In terms of type matchups the immunity and offensive strength versus Electric Type makes a lot of sense given that the spread of stolid and orderly German farmers into the Great Plains is ultimately what drove out the Borderer frontiersman. Of course these krauts would have been fucking shredded by Comanche raids (hence the weakness to Flying Type), but once again it was a rock-paper-scissors dynamic.
Anywho Ground Type is also super effective against Poison and Steel, which in my framework maps to Russians and Poles, so let’s look at these groups next…
POISON TYPE — Russians (and other East Slavs)
I chose this one because I think of East Slavs as constantly smoking, which might have some basis in reality but probably just reflects my specific desire to fuck Dasha.
But it also fits well generally because the Slavic approach to war has always been about bleeding the enemy out through attrition and strategic depth, which is also how Poison Type Pokémon win fights—they have loads of moves at their disposal which inflict DOTs or significant debuffs like maluses to move accuracy and so on.
They’re weak to Ground Type / Germans because of the Barbarossa k/d ratio (yes yes the USSR won long term but it’s like the Cavaliers versus Puritans in the Civil War) and weak to Psychic Type / Jews because of Bolshevism or something idk.
Statwise they’re quite balanced:
…and that seems basically right. Obviously prole Russians are hugely retarded, but the elites are a lot like their Yankee rivals in that they’re very balanced as human beans.
STEEL TYPE — Poles (and other West Slavs)
This one makes sense for several reasons.
First off the vast majority of Polish and Czech Americans live in the Rust Belt, and these groups have always been associated with heavy industry and organized labor.
Second the average stat distribution of Steel Type is based mostly around Defense:
…and this very clearly matches the Polish temperament, because these people can take an absolutely horrible beating while maintaining stoicism and emotional regularity.
ICE TYPE — Scandinavians
I mean duh
I’ve nothing to say here other than that it’s kind of funny to think of Nordic Karens as super effective against Black people / Dragon Type
And so we reach the end of our Pokédex with our much-benighted Hart-Celler Frens.
I’m getting really tired, and quite frankly don’t know a lot about most of these groups, so my analysis is gonna be a little lazy from this point onward.
Just bare with me—we’re very nearly done.
ROCK TYPE — East Asians
idk they’re kind of just temperamentally “dry” and cognitively focused on rote memorization and very linear and symmetrical life strategies.
Like with Poles this maps quite splendidly to their high Attack and especially Defense, as well as to their comparatively bad Special stats:
BUG TYPE — Indians
So this one seems meme tier at first, but it actually has lots of higher order parallels.
For instance Bug Type Pokémon are usually available to the player immediately out of the starting village, and generally evolve into their final forms at fairly low levels.
Now admittedly most of these final-form Pokémon—think Butterfree and Beedril—are kind of shit compared to other final-form evolutions. But they’re also entirely competitive against early game adversaries, and for a long time rushing Butterfree was actually the meta for beating Brock with Charmander.
This dynamic reminds me a lot of how easy it is to acquire a mediocre Indian software engineer for dirt cheap. You expect to get rid of the dude and won’t really think of him as a human being with interiority… but if you just need him to beat Brock who cares? Once it’s time to part ways you can Bye Bye Butterfree without feeling bad about it, and this very disposability is one of the primary reasons why Indian labor is attractive to White managers. It’s not just the low wages—it’s the weird names and accents and their tendency to drop bizarre words like lakh. Sometimes in life you just can’t afford to fall in love with the hooker, and THAT is when you really want to hire an Indian.
There’s also something to be said for Indians when it comes to doing a lot with a little. The subcontinent’s average IQ is really fucking horrible… but especially these days they actually have a lot of shit going for them as a broader civilization, and it seems the caste system (or whatever remains of it) is actually quite decent when it comes to keeping poopy savages in line. Their median stats aren’t high, but they max out at a very low level in a phenomenally scalable way, and if you had two armies of 1000 Reds just coming out of Pewter City I’d honestly put my money on the one Beedrilmaxxing.
Anyway the Indians who make it to America clearly aren’t the opening forest lines, and to suggest otherwise would obviously be an unsophisticated Chud Racist take. They’re far more analogous to Safari Zone Bugs like Scyther—entirely impressive and useful and an immensely useful part of any team… but also a little, idk, “off” I guess?
Not at all in a bad way—just in the sense that you know you won’t ever really understand their civilization in a way that makes them feel properly seen, because unlike, say, Chinese culture, Indian culture can’t really be flattened and commodified and compartmentalized in a way that doesn’t massively degrade and insult everything.
Properly understanding India as a White boy basically requires you to become an India Guy, and if you aren’t inclined to do that there will always be a bit of a distance. Not an intractable one by any means, but no matter how useful and beloved he is your Scyther will always feel sort of out of place compared to idk Geodude.
And there’s a very real tragedy in that, but also a certain beauty. It’s one of the many factors that allows Brahmins to have such nuanced and sophisticated takes about the White Man's culture, and one the primary reasons losing them from our society would represent a tremendous loss for Western intellectualism.
FIRE TYPE — Middle Easterners
idk they blow things up and are spicy?
Originally I framed them as Dark Type with the logic that Arabs are strong against Jews, but in retrospect that’s clearly retarded because in practice Jews genocide Arabs.
It’s not really MENA types in and of themselves who are terrifying Jews these days—their increasing affiliation with wypipo is more of a broad second order consequence of the general browning of America. Jews very clearly belong in the Transhajnal Trio with their Irish and Italian homies instead of with their fellow Semites.
I suppose MENA just aren’t that interesting to me, so I’m fine with this connection being weak. They’re strong against Indians though for sure, which fits Fire vs. Bug.
WATER TYPE — Polynesians
Moana
GRASS TYPE — Hispanics
This one tracks because when you look at their move set Grass Types are sort of “healers” and Hispanics are all about that comfy hospitality culture. The better sort of Latinas are frequently nurses, and are usually kittenish Beej Queens… they also love fattening you up with carb-heavy food, even more so than Italian broads and Jewesses.
idk at this point I might just be getting too horny to think coherently and could just be mixing up stereotypes of Mexicans and Cubans.
Thinking about it more rigorously I’d say that Mexicans should be Grass Type for sure but Cubans are probably more Dark Type or Fire Type. Meanwhile Puerto Ricans and Brazilians are probably something else entirely—I’m sort of tempted to say Fighting for both just because my old trainer back in the day was PR and also a former MMA fighter, while Brazil obviously has BJJ and the Gracie Clan.
But at this point I’ve clearly stopped giving a shit so I’ll just end it here.
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Autismo
Worth noting that I am highly attracted to Western Slavic men, and that Scyther evolves into Scizor via Steel Coat, which kind of corresponds with you calling me Dwarf Cleric.